I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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