This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
