I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
