remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
