Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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