Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
