omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
