why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
