Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
