Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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