Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
whose parrot is this?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
