I wish I could teleport
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
