I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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