Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
