the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
