i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
