I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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