I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
