my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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