Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
