You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize