I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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