Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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