You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
