if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
