he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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