Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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