What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
