you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Sorry about my life...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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