I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
