Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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