I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
