That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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