I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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