Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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