Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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