Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
