I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
