I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Quick, to the slutcave!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
