i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
