I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
