I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
