I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I need help removing her.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
