So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
