I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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