well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
