he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
