have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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