You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
