if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you mean i was at the winter classic?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
