Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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