cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
