Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
