Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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