I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
