you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
