moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
