I want to have your abortion
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
