If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
