i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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