Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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