I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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