Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
