The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
