Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Drunk is a universal language darling
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
